Loss
by CloudsWillDrift
Summary: A sleep-deprived almost philosophical conversation on the floor of Kurt's room.
1. Chapter 1

Blaine lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling and cursing those last couple of redbulls he'd had to top off his hardcore studying session. The amount of caffeine coursing through his veins made it impossible for him to switch off.

His phone lit up on the nightstand next to him, catching his eye. He reached over and read the screen; then wondered why Kurt would think he was awake at 3am, then picked up anyway.

'Everything okay, Kurt?'

'Um. Are you awake?'

'Uh-huh.'

'I mean, were you, before?'

'I was. What's wrong?'

'Can you come over?' Kurt sounded distant.

'Sure. What's wrong?'

'I just feel like I need to talk to someone. My roommate isn't here.'

'I'll be right over.'

As he snuck down the corridor in his slippers, Blaine wondered if Kurt would have called him anyway, had his roommate been there. He hoped so.

Kurt's door was open when he arrived, so he padded straight in, making a beeline for the bed before being stopped by a whispered 'Blaine?' coming from the floor. As his eyes adjusted to the moonlight, he caught sight of Kurt sitting cross-legged on the rug.

'Kurt...' Blaine knelt in front of him. 'What's going on? You're kinda freaking me out.'

'I've just been thinking.'

'About what?'

'Just everything. My life. My future and the future of everything else in my life... I just started freaking _myself_ out...' Blaine nodded slowly. He sat cross-legged opposite Kurt, so their knees were touching.

'Start anywhere.' There was a minute of silence.

'I... haven't had a boyfriend yet. I skipped being twelve and kissing people behind bike sheds, or being fourteen and having my first makeout session at a party. I'm almost seventeen and what I want is a long, committed relationship. But I think I might be the only teenager that wants that... I want to get married. But of course I was born gay, so that is even less probable than the relationship. So I was just thinking... can't it just be 2025 already? Because then I will have survived high school, I won't have to worry about getting into college, because that part of my life will be over. I'll have a job and hopefully a boyfriend who is thinking of marriage as much as I am. Then I realised... that's 14 years in the future, can dad's heart hold out that long? So maybe... Maybe I should just skip to 2050, when... when he will have gone and the heartbreak would be over. And I would be old, but I wouldn't have to worry about losing another parent. Just my own husband. And it just made me think, well... what's the point of existing if you don't have one constant good thing in your life, something that you won't eventually lose? Is there a point to all this loss? Because that's all anything ever results in.' He looked up at the ceiling. 'Mom died eight years ago next week.' Blaine was speechless for a moment. He processed everything Kurt had just said.

'Kurt...' He moved back into a kneeling position and pulled Kurt towards him. The younger boy buried his face in Blaine's chest, gripping the front of his t-shirt with trembling hands. 'First, you sound really tired. Second... a person can look forward too much. In 500 million years, the sun is gonna explode and end all life on earth. And no-one can change that, just like we can't change the idea of death. The only important thing is to, I guess, just forget. Just live in the present and just forget that everything has to come to an end. No-one would ever get anything done if all we did was worry about the future.' He sighed, his hand uneasily stroking Kurt's hair. 'Loss just means you had something in the first place and it won't be worth losing it if you don't enjoy having it. Try to enjoy being sixteen, as alien a concept as that might appear, 'because honestly there are a million old people out there who would kill to be your age again. Think ahead, just not to the end.' He kissed the top of Kurt's head, uncertain.

'I love you...' Kurt mumbled into the soft material covering Blaine's chest. Blaine's heart sped up; he hoped Kurt didn't notice.

'You need sleep,' he rubbed Kurt's back. 'Come on-'

'Wait. Blaine, I – I want you... to be the constant good thing in my life. You're the best thing happening to me right now and I'm terrified of losing you. I was trying to figure out a way to say so without freaking you out, but I couldn't. Blaine, I never want you to leave me. As a friend, or a lover, or a co-star... I love you.'

'I... I love you too. But you need to go to bed. We can talk in the morning.' He took Kurt's hand and pulled him into bed.

Blaine sighed as he watched the younger boy fall asleep almost instantly. Something had seemed off about Kurt recently, now Blaine guessed he knew. This was the first time the beautiful boy had opened up to him so fully and it had made Blaine actively consider the ins and outs of what a relationship with Kurt would be like. Committed. Intense. Intimate. It sounded like something he might like very much.

***hides***

**I wrote this at 3am, so I was as sleep deprived as Kurt. I have an idea for an obscenely short epilogue but I don't know if that would ruin things at this point (any more than this note has...)**

**I do enjoy reviews.**

**Lots of love.**

**X**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much for your reviews... I lost a close family member a year and a week ago so I know it can be easy to think like Kurt did in the last chapter and especially with all the shit going on in the world today (Libya, Christchurch – praying) I think it's definitely something lots of people can relate to. Not everyone is lucky enough to have their own Blaine!**

Kurt was alone when he awoke the next morning, which was weird, he noted, since the space next to him was warm. He thought dazedly back to the night before. He definitely remembered Blaine being there at some stage, but – Oh. Oh _God._ The awakeness. And the rambling. And the 3am. And the fact he'd basically told Blaine he wanted to marry him.

He barely saw Blaine appear in the doorway holding two drinks, before he burrowed back under the sheets, vowing never to come out again.

'Kurt?' He heard Blaine put the cups down on the nightstand, and felt the pressure of him sitting on the best next to him. 'I definitely saw that adorable face before it disappeared under the sheets; everything okay?'

'I'm... so embarrassed.'

'Why?'

'I'm remembering my rant to you last night. _Oh God..._' his voice was muffled. 'I can never look you in the eyes again.'

'Why not?'

'Wh – I – Blaine... You seem oddly calm about the fact I spilled my guts all over you last night.'

'What is there not to be calm about? Let's review. You love me; I love you. You seem to be in a difficult place; I'm never leaving you.' Kurt peeked out from under the sheet.

'What?'

'I had a think after you fell asleep last night.' His voice softened. 'And I realised just how much I do want to be with you. In whatever way. I don't mind. But you don't seem to hate my presence, so I intend to be around for a very long time.' Kurt sat fully upright.

'You... You mean...' And he leapt forward suddenly and kissed Blaine, softly and for a very long time. 'I love you so much Blaine.'

'I love you too, Kurt. I always have. I always will. I do.' He held Kurt in a hug, resting his head sideways on the younger boy's shoulder. 'Any time you need me, Kurt. Morning, afternoon, 3am, for a talk, or a kiss or just a hug, I will be there. I promise.'

'I know you will.'

**Love and thanks again for the feedback!**

**X**


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